I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
