After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
