Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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