Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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