yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
