happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
