I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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