I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
