I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Randomize
