New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
