I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
