Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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