I molested 6 butterflies tonight
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Oh god it's open bar.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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