Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
