Jerry, you need to find god
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
