Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Dear god my vagina.
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