i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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