Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
