you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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