What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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