So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
