I like my sex mixed with concussions.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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