Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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