I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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