My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Houston, we have a blender
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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