she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
