Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
