someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
