Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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