as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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