I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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