Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
