He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
