Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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