so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
