I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
