so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
