My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
