oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
