It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
