She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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