Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
