No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
