For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
