I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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