It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
