i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
