I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
