Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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