You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
