I wish my penis had an off switch
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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