Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I believe in your delicious
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
