Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
