i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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